Please, No Kid’s Parties During Football Season!


Recently, my next door neighbor held a last minute birthday party for one of his three boys.  Normally, I’m not a big fan of kids parties but, in the name of neighborhood harmony, I said I would stop in for a couple of minutes. They are for kids after all.

Another problem, my Arizona Cardinals were playing. Sure, it was pre-season…but a fan’s a fan. When I popped in between the first and second quarter, I first heard the game on and then saw ribs and bar food being served in the kitchen.

Picture courtesy of @adriancuriel

Looks like I’m staying for football and ribs…I mean staying for the ‘party!’

Yes, football is MORE important than your brat’s party. There. I said it.

Now let me explain.  First, I would NEVER subject the other parents to the torture of attending an obligatory kid’s birthday party, forcing them to miss out on their birthright as an American!

In fact, there’s not much worse than one of the kids bringing home a birthday invitation for weekend party during football season. It’s like drinking a Bud Light when have a fridge full of IPAs.

Second, we need to establish some ground rules.  Let’s say one of these unwanted pieces of mail comes home with your kid, I say you have the right to call the hosts and ask if there will be:

  1. Drinks (If not, can I bring some?)
  2. Football (multiple games on multiple TVs)
  3. Nachos. There needs to be nachos. Alternative bar foods and tacos are acceptable as well.

Picture courtesy of @rhett_noonan

If the hosts answer no to any of these questions, consider yourself excused from attending. All you do then is pop a gift card in the mail and wish the kid luck in life. The kid’s going to need luck because his parents are lame.

And let’s face it: You didn’t like his parents anyway.

My neighbor did his kid’s party right.  At halftime, we all went into the backyard and threw water balloons at the kids. The kids were not allowed to return fire. It was glorious and the kids loved it!

So if your kid has a birthday during football season, follow the rules or expect a low turnout.

Have football playing, good food, and adult beverages and your kid will see higher party attendance and subsequently receive more gifts. See, it’s all for the kids. Ha!

Oh, and a few games to help the parents release some parental aggression that the kids love is just a cherry on top of the Sunday. Get it? Sunday? Football? Ha!

Dad joke…nailed it!

-Mike

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